A Mom with Autism

And why I put off caring for myself as an autistic individual.

I remember when I was diagnosed with Autism. There was a moment of clarity and then there was a moment of confusion. While getting this diagnosis made a lot of things make sense, I also realized that I had a choice to make. I could either start taking care of myself as an autistic individual, and make some changes, or I could do nothing. I would love to say that I immediately started honoring the way I was created but I didn’t. Instead, I continued binge drinking to deal with sensory meltdowns, dysregulation and being overwhelmed. There was a part of me that wondered if I needed to change anything. I was in my late twenties and seemed to be doing okay. Only I wasn’t. There were a lot times I struggled with socializing, staying focused and sensory input, till the point of exhaustion but didn’t say anything. It started around middle school. There seemed to be these rules of socializing that I didn’t understand and exhausted me. Trying to figure out if people were being serious or sarcastic was challenging, being around people left me feeling drained and I needed recovery periods of silence after interacting with others. Most of the time, I pushed through the exhaustion, which would leave me feeling even more exhausted. I always felt the need to perform to perfection. Whether academically or socially, I aimed to be a high achiever. I tended to see things with an “all or nothing mindset” and I struggled to gain the concept of there being a “grey area”. Sudden changes in routine left me feel irritated and overwhelmed. Looking back, I can see the autistic traits. But what would be the point in taking care of myself as an autistic adult, now? I was married, had a son and a career. I honestly doubted there was any point in making changes.

It wasn’t until I got sober from alcohol that I started to take care of myself as an autistic adult. It wasn’t easy, it still isn’t easy. Creating new boundaries and habits around people who have known me for years was challenging. I had to answer a lot of questions, lots of them I didn’t even have the answers to just yet. I didn’t realize that a lot of taking care of myself as an autistic adult would be figuring stuff out while I still had to do life. I had to figure out how to give myself grace while navigating small talk during school pick-drop and pick up. I had to sit in the midst of autism shutdown during countless school holiday parities. I had to learn how to stim in public while grocery shopping with a toddler. There have been so many challenges to taking care of myself as an autistic adult that made me want to go back and forget about making any kind of changes. There have been a lot of moments I’ve felt discouraged and resentful of being autistic. I remember one day having the thought “this is why I put off taking care of myself as an autistic individual”. I was in the middle of autism shutdown, which means I’d had multiple sensory meltdowns back-to back and now at the point where I was having trouble speaking. I felt so frustrated, bitter and discouraged. And I heard God say “but you’re worth it”.

There are so many moments that I cry in frustration from the challenges of being autistic and when I bring that to God, he meets me with grace every time. There is a love and acceptance for who I am now, that I didn’t even know I could feel. I know God’s grace so much better because I’ve accepted myself as an autistic individual. True self-love and acceptance is taking the good and rough parts of who I am and choosing to love all of who I am. There is so much freedom that I feel now that I have given myself permission to fully be who I am. To any mom who suspects she may be autistic, or has confirmed she’s autistic, I want to be honest with you. Navigating this world as an autistic individual while also being a mom, is tough. If you feel the temptation to go back to behaviors that don’t honor how your brain works, give yourself a lot of grace and remember: you are worth it.